# Unexpected Problem

Людмила Николаевна Ансельм

Mike comes to his old friend Bob for advice. Mike does not know what to do, because his wife refused to have sex with him.

UNEXPECTED PROBLEM

Ludmila Anselm

CAST:

Mike - a man of 65 years old

Bob - a friend of Mike, 70 years old

( Mike, very excited, rushes into Bob's place. It's a late evening. Mike has come to share his problem with his friend).

Bob: Mike, what's up? You look so ruffled. What"s happened?

Mike: Bob, we"re such old friends... I need your advice... I've got a problem.

Bob: Well, I'm all ears...

Mike: What're you drinking? Pour it out for me, please... My throat's dried out.

Bob: It's whiskey. With or without water?

Mike: No water...

Bob: To our friendship (they clink glasses and drink).

I'm listening, keep to the point.

Mike: OK... My wife refuses to sleep with me.

Bob: Big deal! It's not a problem at our age. Sleep alone.

Mike: That's not the point. She refuses to have sex with me.

Bob: Why? She"s your lawful wife. She has no right. Insist, demand...

Mike: But if she doesn't want... I can't rape her...

Bob: How does she explain?

Mike: She says, that liked it once, but not now. What"ll I do?

Bob: Well, so that's how it is! May be you've hurt her?

Mike: How could I hurt her? There was nothing of the kind. We didn't argue.

Bob: You could've said something insulting...

Mike: I said nothing that could've insulted her...

Bob: Nothing while having sex?

Mike: I usually do this in silence.

Bob: And what about her?

Mike: She usually says something, but I don't listen.

Bob: And that's to no purpose... You"ve to listen to her and say something in return.

Mike: What do I have to say?

Bob: For instance: how you do like it, how you love her, what beautiful boobs she has... Something nice like that... You know...

Mike: Who's taught you ?

Bob: This by my own experience...

Mike: As far as I know, you got divorced from your wife five years ago.

Bob: But my chicks... You don't take them into consideration... Did you try anything to do?

Mike: What should I do ?

Bob: To persuade, to talk her into it.

Mike: I've already tried.

Bob: What was her reaction?

Mike: No result.

Bob: You see, women... they need emotions.

Mike: What kind of emotions?

Bob: Jealousy, all kinds of feelings. You know what I"d do in your place? I'd say to her: "O.K...You refuse having sex with me, so don't mind if I find another woman to have sex with".

Mike: Do you mean to look for a woman in the street? I'm over that age for this.

Bob: Why in the street? Your neighbor in the opposite apartment of yours will perfectly do... Did you see her figure? Boobs, hips, and the rest...

Mike: I did see, I did see... She is not my kind. All men from the street visit her. She's a prostitute.

Bob: It's wonderful!

Mike: It's dangerous.

Bob: Let me see... (a pause). You know, every woman needs attention, gifts. Did you try to give her any presents?

Mike: Once I gave her flowers as a gift. She threw them out in my face and said: "I know what this broom is for..."

Bob: You have to be more creative.

Mike: Teach me.

Bob: Remember your first encounter, the way you courted her, strove to win her...

Mike: I didn't strive to win her. Everything happened without any effort.

Bob: How did you meet? Remember...

Mike: So, well. I enter the cafe next to the house I live. To have a snack. Take a seat at a table... Waiting for a waitress. Notice a young girl sitting in the corner. Unfamiliar. She looked very sad. I remember my first feeling for her - pity. Decided to get acquainted with her. Come up to her, say: "Hi, where'd you get so tanned ?" My friend taught me how to meet girls... She wasn"t tanned at all. She had a sad, pale face... She looks up at me in surprise and says: "Are you kidding?" I say: "Yes, I am kidding in order to get acquainted with you... " We got into conversation, got closer. I invited her to my place. It happened so; then we got married.

Bob: What about your honeymoon, where did you spend it?

Mike: In the tent, on the bank of the lake. We were young, had little money, decided to spend a week in the tent.

Bob; I see, the tent seems a paradise with a darling in it.

Mike: Very likely... Bob, do you have any more vodka?

Bob: Yes, I do...

Mike: Let's have one (They drink vodka). I feel much better... It 's cleaned my throat. What'd you do in my place?

Bob: You'd have another honey moon. But not in the tent, in the Caribbean or somewhere else, in some magnificent place. Y'd hire a room in the hotel with a view of the sea and invited her to the restaurant in the evening. Imagine candles on the table, red wine in the glasses, and the ocean behind the window.

Mike: Sounds good... But this kind of vacation needs a lot of money.

Bob: Borrow from somebody.

Mike How to give back? I'm on a pension.

Bob: So, you're on a pension, doing nothing, and she works hard all day long. Comes home tired and cooks a meal for you. I not only would refuse sex, but would divorce you. How do you help Yelena?

Mike: Keep order in the house. Sometimes do shopping according to her list of products.

Bob: Can you cook anything?

Mike: Yes, I can fry potatoes.

Bob: So, do this. She comes from work, you meet her with fried potatoes, there's a candle on the table, glasses with red wine, fruits, napkins. The house's cozy and nice... But... don"t bother her this evening... Let her think that you waited for her because you want sex but because you love her...l

Mike: Bob, I really love her and don't want a divorce.

Bob (surprised): You love her? It changes deal... You have to show her your love. Love's as different, as... how would clearer explain you,... as cars... Great love is beyond physiology, higher sex... High love is rising over physiology, over sex. You have to be patient for a while, and eventually you'll be awarded. She'll appreciate your efforts and come back to you.

Mike: And if she won't appreciate ? While I'll be patient she'll find somebody else...

Bob: Well, please explain to me how it all happens between you two.

Mike: What happens?

Bob: I mean sex, and all sorts of caresses... You know...

Mike: As usual. We go to bed, cover ourselves with blanket and...

Bob: Then?

Mike: Then? I usually fall asleep after having sex. It works out, like sleeping pills.

Bob: I need details. How long does it last?

Mike: Five or ten minutes or probably less... She's usually tired, I feel sorry for her.

Bob: Too fast...

Mike: She herself asks me:"please faster".

Bob: Do you know that for a really valuable sex you need a prelude.

Mike: What kind of prelude you're talking about? It's the first time in my life I hear about the prelude.

Bob: Say, in the beginning you're supposed to kiss her lips, then behind her ear... whisper something affectionate... how do you like sex with her, how nice boobs she has... and so on, and so on...

Mike: I need some training... for prelude...

Bob: How long you've been married?

Mike: It'll be twenty five soon.

Bob: My! Oh, my...! Your silver wedding's approaching, but you're still arguing. I mean, all twenty five years everything's been O.K...?

Mike: Yes, everything was O.K... And suddenly... (A pause). What about you? How'd you meet your ex-wife Valentine?

Bob: When I first saw her in the street, I followed her... got only one thought in my head, one desire...

Mike: Sex?

Bob: She was carrying heavy bags, I helped her, led to her house. At the door of her apartment we got into conversation, became acquainted. Appointed a date in the cafe. But she didn't come... I nearly lost my mind. Started making scenes.

Mike: Namely?

Bob: There was a tree growing opposite her window... I climbed the tree, threw a bucket of flowers into her open window with the note that said:"I love you. Come to the cafe". In this way I opened my heart to her. Then I invited her to expensive restaurants, bought presents. This lasted about six months. We went on the vacation, and there, at night, on the sea beach, under the light of the moon and stars, all that happened, and I proposed to her.

Mike: What about the honeymoon?

Bob: Sure, after the wedding we went away for two weeks and spent the honey moon in Thailand. I'd been dreaming about visiting it for a long time.

Mike: Did Valentina also dream about it?

Bob: Don't know. By the way, it didn't matter by then.

Mike: Why did you divorced from her eventually?

Bob: I understood that I'd made a mistake... Constant quarrels, jealousy... I got tired. I think, if she'd come to the cafe for the first time, I'd have never married her.

Mike: Yelena and I've never quarreled. She informed me that she did not want to have sex with me quite calmly, without making any scenes. It was so unexpected.

Bob: You, pal, bored her with your dull sex. You don"t have any fantasy.

Mike: Could you advise me what to do?

Bob: You know, women are very different. Some of them should be taken by power.

Mike: How come taken by power? I don"t understand...

Bob: By power... How do I explain to you? Persistently, without unnecessary words...

Mike: It doesn't suit me.

Bob: Then, I don"t know what else to advise you... May be, buy a porno film...

Mike: Instead sex?

Bob: Why instead? First watch, then - all the rest... Mike, did you have sex with other women but Yelena?

Mike: No. Yelena"s my only love...

Bob: And did Yelena have anybody but you?

Mike: There was somebody. I met her on the next day after that guy left her... She had a lost expression on her face sitting in the cafe, so miserable, but still hoping that he'd come back...

Bob: A very hard case. By the way, when did she tell you that she didn't want to have sex with you?

Mike: I think, two or three weeks ago. I don't remember exactly.

Bob: I mean that you didn't have sex for three weeks... it appears that you bothered her at least six times, as minimum.

Mike: I believe, I bothered her two times.

Bob: Not enough... You probably need a conflict.

Mike: Why, what conflict?

Bob: You need a real quarrel with clarification of the relationship. To put everything in its place after the quarrel. You may bang the door, yell, threaten her that you'll leave and never come back. Make her cry, then apologize. Open your heart to her, kneel in front of her, and so on, and so on...

Mike: I don't like any quarrels. That's not to my taste.

Bob: It's up to you... (A pause). By the way, forgot to tell you. I've recently seen Yelena in the street, she looked beautiful, young, handsome ... I came up to her, helped her to carry heavy bags..., led to the house. At the door of the apartment we got into conversation... Then...

Mike: What then?

Bob: Then... she thanked me for help...

Mike: What'd you say to her?

Bob: Said that the bags were heavy...

Mike: And what'd she say?

Bob: Agreed... then I asked her why her husband didn"t help her.

Mike (nervously): And she?

Bob: Said: "He"s not a husband - he's a lazy asshole... I don't need such an asshole"...

Mike: She said so: asshole!?

Bob: Lazy asshole...

Mike: What about you?

Bob: I nodded my head...

Mike: In agreement? (pause) When did this happen?

Bob: Don't remember exactly...

Mike: Approximately...

Bob: Two or three weeks ago.

Mike (angry and upset runs quickly to the door): I'll show her "an asshole"!! She'll answer for "the asshole"!

Bob: Mike, stop! We haven't yet solved your problem...

(Bob smiles rubbing his hands with satisfaction)

Mike (suddenly runs back very angry): Dare not speak to my wife again! If you come up to her one more time, I'll kill you!

(Mike runs away loudly banging the door) CURTAIN